Friday, July 1, 2016

Random Thoughts & Questions: "Batman v Superman" Ultimate Edition

The following are questions which I asked my television while watching BvS:DoJ:UE:4EB

BEWARE, for spoilers abound.

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Are we really seeing Bruce Wayne's parents die again?

Did Tim Burton do slow motion pearls better?

Why does Zach Snyder love to kill Jeffrey Dean Morgan in the first five minutes of his movies?

Discovering the Batcave? Again?

The Boy who could Fly?

Why are these people still in this building? Don't they see a war happening? Do they really need to wait for the CEO to call before evacuating?

Did he really think he could accomplish anything by running toward a collapsing skyscraper?

Really? Lois Lane steals her first interview question from Mike Wallace?

Apparently the filmmakers hate Jimmy Olsen?

WTF is going on? (Repeated about every 15 minutes.)

Did they use the wrong ESPN graphic, or are these really college football teams?

Why did Clark bring groceries into the bathroom?

Can you really just throw random words together and call it Dialogue?

How does this prison yard murder relate to anything?

Why did they build a research station for the Kryptonian ship in the middle of the city?

Since when is it a good editing decision to have a scene in the present that cuts to the future for a full minute, then back to the present for 10 seconds, future for 30 seconds, present for 10 seconds?

Why did this movie suddenly turn into Mad Max without warning?

How did Superman know that Batman would be driving around that corner right then?

How many dream sequences are in this damn movie?

Who the fuck is crawling out of Batman's TV?

Do you know what I hate more than anything? The random character who shows up out of nowhere to explain major plot points and then disappears just as quickly.

Why is every plot twist so damn convenient?

So Lex knows every hero's logo?

Since when do you cycle through huge plot points via montage?

Why is Superman randomly climbing a mountain?

Why didn't Ma Kent just walk back into the diner where she's clearly supposed to be working?

Is that really how you're introducing all the Justice League characters?

Seriously? It's all Lex Luthor manipulating literally everything? How?

How did Superman know Batman's real identity?

Really? Two mortal enemies unite over mommy issues? How can a man wipe away two years of revenge plotting in 3 seconds?

Oh, and Alfred knows exactly where to find the kidnappers?

When the bad guys realize they're being attacked by Batman and the plan has obviously failed, why don't they just kill the damn hostage?

Why does Doomsday look like a Cave Troll from Lord of the Rings?

Is every main character clairvoyant?

So Superman and Wonder Woman at least make a dent in the bad guy, and Batman's essentially useless?

Why do I not give a shit about what's happening?

What the hell is that demon-looking thing?

The priest's eulogy doesn't force foreshadowing at all, does it?

Since when does the mother of the deceased have to pay the funeral director IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE FUCKING FUNERAL?

So this Bruce Wayne voice over is clearly supposed to emulate the end of The Dark Knight without all the reasons that ending worked?

Wait, are we time-jumping again? Is this a flash back or forward?

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Granted, I never watched the Theatrical version, so I can't speak to the differences. There are certainly elements that could make a good movie, but overall the film's a mess. Too many characters, too many subplots, too much convenience, too much time spent setting up the next movie instead of making this a cohesive whole.

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